No, its not what you think. Mommy has been sufficiently potty trained for a very long time (only one "very" so I don't give away my age...) but I didn't exactly have the best of Saturdays. My husband got called to work Saturday. Grrrrrr. Its not a normal situation he works on the weekends but I told him to go and get it done (10 hours later he's finally home). Anyway, outside of my partner in crime being MIA for parenting responsibilities this weekend, I felt like a piece of me was missing. I just felt off my game. So, when I feel off my game what is the single-handed best thing I can do, alone, with my scary children?... Wait for it... Picture day! Yippie! What a fabulous idea (said no one ever).
Yes, I packed my kids and went to have their pictures made. Now, I won't forget to respectfully mention both Nana and Mammaw were present and accounted for on this adventure but its not the same. Hubby equals a fair amount of discipline when necessary so when its just mommy, alone (did I mention that already) as the disciplinarian, I get to turn into the green eyed monster who frets her children are behaving like animals. I know I am not a wolf or a hyena (I think a hyena would definitely raise wild children because they are all crazy-eyed and laugh all the time) but I never remember to pray it forward and thank God for a great day with my kids. Instead, I hide in my closet and beg God "why, why, why" at the end of the day. OK, dramatic. I've received my Emmy, lets move on.
Its so funny that I self punish myself about being a green eyed monster when I've seen other children and, although I try not to judge other parents, I know my kids have never acted like that (yet, said softly and out of ear shot of the kids). I do punish myself. If it wasn't because I felt like my kids were uncooperative for the pictures "I" wanted, I punished myself over the amount of money I spent on the final pictures (yes, when Hubby is not there all logic and reason fly out the door and I behave like a woman in a shoe store). I can't help it. I have a brain that functions well (most of the time) but when my kids are wild I just grab and go and shop only thinking about how fast I can get out and not if what's in my cart is healthy or not (why I bought stock in Little Debbie).
The truth is, my self talk, is destructive. Not only in the moment but for my health and my sanity. My kids were fine on Saturday and I survived but it was the picture of what I wanted to look like (glued together, neatly presentable, perfect awe moments from everyone in the shop wanting kids like mine) that didn't. There is only 1 me. This is the only me you get so whether I'm unglued or complimented on how well motherhood suits me, this is the me you get.
I've shared before that I'm reading Lysa TerKeurst's "Unglued" book right now and it is by far life changing for a life like mine. I'm always going to be this me but by God's Grace and Love I can see that chaotic moments with my children are gracious moments with my children provided by God.
Sow righteousness for yourselves,
reap the fruit of unfailing love,
and break up your unplowed ground;
for it is time to seek the Lord,
until he comes
and showers his righteousness on you. Hosea 10:12 (NIV)
reap the fruit of unfailing love,
and break up your unplowed ground;
for it is time to seek the Lord,
until he comes
and showers his righteousness on you. Hosea 10:12 (NIV)
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