Yes, I sailed upstream on the SS Depression after my son was born in 2009. The trouble is, I had no idea I packed my bags for an extended stay until the trip ended. The entire first year of my son's life I was depressed and never realized it. I thought my feelings of being overwhelmed and exhausted were "normal" with a new baby. That some how this crying, screaming baby with colic some how broke between the time we left the hospital and the time we got him home and of course it was all my fault.
When I came home with my son it was horrible. I thought to myself, I've wanted kids my whole life. I've prayed about them, played baby dolls as a child, I've got ovaries so lets do this but when it was time to bring him home I was clueless. I think the "expectations" I had put on myself of being Super-Mommy were a bit distorted (ok, disastrous is a better word). I thought everyone else has done this why can't I. The reality was none of the other mommies had ever mentioned the train wreck that was about to happen emotionally after spending 40 weeks as an incubator. The one hour of the day I visited them to ooh and awe over their new bundle of joy was the one hour of the day they had mentally psyched themselves up all day to do. The roller coaster of emotions, restoration of "Whoville" post delivery and the lack of sleep breed insecurity, isolation and fear. I suffered alone. I never said to my girlfriends, moms, doctor, no one knew I secretly wanted to hide under the covers and disappear. Well, my husband knew and God love his heart tried but to him I was a train wreck he couldn't look away from.
I share this now not because I want anyone to feel sorry for me or to try and comfort me after the fact but because I've made a commitment. Transparency. The good with the bad this Momma is taking a road trip and Jesus is taking the wheel (thank you and cudos to Carrie Underwood)! Depression is no joke and if I can tell just one Mommy feeling overwhelmed, under-appreciated and exhausted that there is a light at the end of the tunnel no matter how long the tunnel I will. That yes, these bundles of joy we prayed so hard for, hand delivered by God do eventually stop crying and rest will eventually come.
I think it is easier now to sit and say I was depressed more than I was able to admit it 3 years ago. I'm outside the hula hoop space (space in my general vicinity that I feel I can control, said no one ever) and can look with clear eyes and say what the heck. I recognize now with baby #2 that if that cloud starts forming over my head I take a seat and beg God for rest. I do. I beg God. I'm not ashamed. He's seen me at my worst.
When I came home with my son it was horrible. I thought to myself, I've wanted kids my whole life. I've prayed about them, played baby dolls as a child, I've got ovaries so lets do this but when it was time to bring him home I was clueless. I think the "expectations" I had put on myself of being Super-Mommy were a bit distorted (ok, disastrous is a better word). I thought everyone else has done this why can't I. The reality was none of the other mommies had ever mentioned the train wreck that was about to happen emotionally after spending 40 weeks as an incubator. The one hour of the day I visited them to ooh and awe over their new bundle of joy was the one hour of the day they had mentally psyched themselves up all day to do. The roller coaster of emotions, restoration of "Whoville" post delivery and the lack of sleep breed insecurity, isolation and fear. I suffered alone. I never said to my girlfriends, moms, doctor, no one knew I secretly wanted to hide under the covers and disappear. Well, my husband knew and God love his heart tried but to him I was a train wreck he couldn't look away from.
I share this now not because I want anyone to feel sorry for me or to try and comfort me after the fact but because I've made a commitment. Transparency. The good with the bad this Momma is taking a road trip and Jesus is taking the wheel (thank you and cudos to Carrie Underwood)! Depression is no joke and if I can tell just one Mommy feeling overwhelmed, under-appreciated and exhausted that there is a light at the end of the tunnel no matter how long the tunnel I will. That yes, these bundles of joy we prayed so hard for, hand delivered by God do eventually stop crying and rest will eventually come.
I think it is easier now to sit and say I was depressed more than I was able to admit it 3 years ago. I'm outside the hula hoop space (space in my general vicinity that I feel I can control, said no one ever) and can look with clear eyes and say what the heck. I recognize now with baby #2 that if that cloud starts forming over my head I take a seat and beg God for rest. I do. I beg God. I'm not ashamed. He's seen me at my worst.
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:5
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